Beauty Principle- Seeketh not her own

In accordance with Princess Academy, creator Donna Goff introduces beauty principles that go along with the books that the girls read as a part of their hope chest journey. I have been wanting to implement this for awhile, so I have decided to start blogging about different principles that I am learning about, sometimes with my girls, on my journey of discovering what beauty is all about.

Today while studying the word charity, I came across the phrase, "seeketh not her own" in Moroni 7:45. Moroni is a book in the Book of Mormon, which is a book similar to the Bible, but is written by prophets and others from the American Continent instead of the Jews. As I read these words, I asked myself the question, "What does it really mean to seek not your own?" Many thoughts came to my mind and I will share a few of them.

During the American revolution, and subsequent founding of the United States of America, many people who took part in this understood this principle. Every man who signed the Declaration of Independence was taking a huge chance on his life and the lives of his family, his property, and his personal comfort. Isn't it ironic that the very document they were signing contained these words, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness." Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are the very things they were sacrificing personally to achieve the greater goal for mankind.

I strongly believe in personal mission, and sometimes my personal mission will require the sacrifice of my personal comforts and those of my family. The word service connotes sacrifice. Realizing that the benefits for the good of all, including myself and family in the word all, outweigh the sacrifice, is a part of the answer to my original question. It would have been easy for the founding fathers to ignore their mission. Many of these men were very wealthy. They could have easily just lived their lives comfortably and ignored the needs of society. These were regular citizens who saw a need and did whatever they could to fill that need.

What would happen today if our leaders did not seek their own, but sought the good of mankind? Do leaders like this even exist anymore? We must create these leaders in ourselves and our children. How do we do this? I believe the answer is education. Our public education system today focuses on job training, or in other words, my own comfort. What if our education focused instead on personal mission for the good of mankind? How can we fill needs if we don't have the education to understand what those needs are?

I feel the need to focus myself again. I want to fulfill my mission. For the last several years, I have been self-educating. I have learned a lot, but I have come to the point where I need a mentor. I need to go to school. I have struggled with guilt about this for some time thinking that I will be taking away from the needs of my family. The scripture I read this morning and writing this blog have helped me to realize that sometimes seeking not your own means you do something for yourself that at first seemed selfish. It's not really about ME though, it is about my mission and the good of mankind.

SO, my first resolution for 2010 is to get a job. The family finances do not allow for school tuition, so I am going to get a job as a small step towards getting me to school. I am excited! "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass."

Letters

Dearest Ellie,

How can I even begin to let you know what your gift meant to me. Do you know how perfect this gift was for me and how much it was accompanied by God's love? Thank you for being so in tune to my needs and for acting on your impression, because I have to believe that is the only way you possibly could have known.

Did you know that I have longed to be beautiful for so long? I never spend money on myself. I can never justify the expense. My kids' and husband's needs always cry out so much stronger than mine. Thank you for reminding me that my needs are important too. I would never have picked out the dress and tights you bought. I love them. They are beautiful. Did you know that I have wanted a new dress for a very long time? I thought it was a selfish desire. You have a husband and kids too. I am sure they have many needs. Do you know how loved I feel that you would choose to buy those things for ME? I'm sure it was so simple for you, but it was ever so HUGE for me. The dress, tights, makeup, fingernail polish, and jewelry make me feel so beautiful. Thank you.

I know that true beauty is on the inside not the outside. Did you know that I have felt so ugly my whole life? My lack of care for the outside of my body is a reflection of how I have felt on the inside for so long. This past two years or so I have been going through intense healing on the inside. I'm not finished, but I feel the desire to make my outside self reflect the healing that has occurred on the inside. Thank you for helping me remember.

Do you know that you reminded me that God is watching over me and taking care of even my little needs that sometimes feel so insignificant? Do you know that you reminded me how precious I am to my Father in Heaven and that I am a beautiful princess? Do you know what it means to me to have someone who has known me for such a short time show such love and care? Do you know how beautiful YOU are? I am so grateful to have you in my life and that the Lord saw fit to make you my Visiting Teacher. You are a light to me. Thank you for sharing your light. I love you.

Love, Maria



To all of my wonderful friends,

Thank you for your support and love. I truly feel blessed to have so many who have shown support. Mostly for your kind words. I hope you feel the gratitude in my heart. I love you.

Love, Maria

Symbolism

Pain is such a weird thing. I use the word pain to describe the physical hurting that I have gone through the last 4 days. When the pain first started it felt like glorified cramps. I have felt that pain many times. It has become almost a comfortable part of me. But then the pain got worse. I was in labor. For 2 hours, I felt the excruciating pain that I have felt every time I have gone to the hospital to have my beautiful babies. For me those times of pain were followed by exquisite moments of joy. This time was different. I started to panic. The words, "I can not do this" were repeated in my head numerous times. I cried a lot. I did not want to feel this pain. Finally, at the moment of despair, it was over. At least, the intense physical pain. I held the baby in my hands. The baby was as big as the palm of my hand. That moment will forever be etched in my mind. A perfect creation, with no life. What sorrow. For several minutes, I just waited, wondering what to do with this beautiful part of me and my husband. I finally wrapped it in toilet paper and flushed it praying to God that this was an acceptable way to dispose of this creation. I thought the pain would then be over. I was wrong. For 3 days afterward, I had after birth pains. I didn't know this could happen with a miscarriage.

I also use the word pain to describe the emptiness and hurt I feel in my heart and my womb. Each pain I felt during labor and after labor was symbolic of the emotional pain. Every cramp was a reminder of the stab I felt in my heart that the hopes and plans I had made would no longer be realized. At least not now. And not in my way. I am not ready to resume normal life. I feel expected to resume. I don't want to. I want to still feel this pain. I want to cry and let the tears wash over me. It's weird to say, but this pain is also a comfort to me. This grief feels good in a way. I am not ready to let it go. I need to let it go. My children need me. My husband needs me. I just want to fill MY needs for awhile. Selfish I know. I am not strong right now. I don't want to be strong right now. For now, I just pray that I will want to soon. That is all the strength I have right now. I am a fighter. I SHALL conquer this.

Sad news

Today I am sad.

I just want to curl up back in my bed and ignore my duties and responsibilities. That would just make everything so much worse, so I am going to write about it so I can allow myself to feel and experience this sadness for just a little while longer.

Last night, I received a confirmation of something I already knew. Pregnancy # 8 has ended at around 12 weeks gestation, and I have yet to wait for the precious contents to be expelled. It is a baby to me, not just a fetus. I have already emotionally bonded with this precious baby, so the grief is hard to bear... again. This is the 4th time I have felt this grief. I've already told my kids they were going to have another sibling. I thought we were out of the woods. All of my other miscarriages happened before 9 weeks. I don't know how I am going to tell them the news. I have told too many people. I wish they all read this blog, so I could just say it here and be done.

I went to a midwife to get checked. She couldn't find a heartbeat, and she was so very compassionate. I am so grateful. I asked her how much we owe her for the visit and she told me not to worry about it. This was the first time I had met her. What a kind person.

Today I must find a doctor to reconfirm with ultra sound what I already know. I guess I will tell my kids after this. For now, I am just going to keep myself busy and focus on living instead of falling apart. I do feel Heaven's help, comfort, and sweet love. What a blessing. All will be healed and I will come away feeling grateful for the experience.