Letters

Dearest Ellie,

How can I even begin to let you know what your gift meant to me. Do you know how perfect this gift was for me and how much it was accompanied by God's love? Thank you for being so in tune to my needs and for acting on your impression, because I have to believe that is the only way you possibly could have known.

Did you know that I have longed to be beautiful for so long? I never spend money on myself. I can never justify the expense. My kids' and husband's needs always cry out so much stronger than mine. Thank you for reminding me that my needs are important too. I would never have picked out the dress and tights you bought. I love them. They are beautiful. Did you know that I have wanted a new dress for a very long time? I thought it was a selfish desire. You have a husband and kids too. I am sure they have many needs. Do you know how loved I feel that you would choose to buy those things for ME? I'm sure it was so simple for you, but it was ever so HUGE for me. The dress, tights, makeup, fingernail polish, and jewelry make me feel so beautiful. Thank you.

I know that true beauty is on the inside not the outside. Did you know that I have felt so ugly my whole life? My lack of care for the outside of my body is a reflection of how I have felt on the inside for so long. This past two years or so I have been going through intense healing on the inside. I'm not finished, but I feel the desire to make my outside self reflect the healing that has occurred on the inside. Thank you for helping me remember.

Do you know that you reminded me that God is watching over me and taking care of even my little needs that sometimes feel so insignificant? Do you know that you reminded me how precious I am to my Father in Heaven and that I am a beautiful princess? Do you know what it means to me to have someone who has known me for such a short time show such love and care? Do you know how beautiful YOU are? I am so grateful to have you in my life and that the Lord saw fit to make you my Visiting Teacher. You are a light to me. Thank you for sharing your light. I love you.

Love, Maria



To all of my wonderful friends,

Thank you for your support and love. I truly feel blessed to have so many who have shown support. Mostly for your kind words. I hope you feel the gratitude in my heart. I love you.

Love, Maria

Symbolism

Pain is such a weird thing. I use the word pain to describe the physical hurting that I have gone through the last 4 days. When the pain first started it felt like glorified cramps. I have felt that pain many times. It has become almost a comfortable part of me. But then the pain got worse. I was in labor. For 2 hours, I felt the excruciating pain that I have felt every time I have gone to the hospital to have my beautiful babies. For me those times of pain were followed by exquisite moments of joy. This time was different. I started to panic. The words, "I can not do this" were repeated in my head numerous times. I cried a lot. I did not want to feel this pain. Finally, at the moment of despair, it was over. At least, the intense physical pain. I held the baby in my hands. The baby was as big as the palm of my hand. That moment will forever be etched in my mind. A perfect creation, with no life. What sorrow. For several minutes, I just waited, wondering what to do with this beautiful part of me and my husband. I finally wrapped it in toilet paper and flushed it praying to God that this was an acceptable way to dispose of this creation. I thought the pain would then be over. I was wrong. For 3 days afterward, I had after birth pains. I didn't know this could happen with a miscarriage.

I also use the word pain to describe the emptiness and hurt I feel in my heart and my womb. Each pain I felt during labor and after labor was symbolic of the emotional pain. Every cramp was a reminder of the stab I felt in my heart that the hopes and plans I had made would no longer be realized. At least not now. And not in my way. I am not ready to resume normal life. I feel expected to resume. I don't want to. I want to still feel this pain. I want to cry and let the tears wash over me. It's weird to say, but this pain is also a comfort to me. This grief feels good in a way. I am not ready to let it go. I need to let it go. My children need me. My husband needs me. I just want to fill MY needs for awhile. Selfish I know. I am not strong right now. I don't want to be strong right now. For now, I just pray that I will want to soon. That is all the strength I have right now. I am a fighter. I SHALL conquer this.

Sad news

Today I am sad.

I just want to curl up back in my bed and ignore my duties and responsibilities. That would just make everything so much worse, so I am going to write about it so I can allow myself to feel and experience this sadness for just a little while longer.

Last night, I received a confirmation of something I already knew. Pregnancy # 8 has ended at around 12 weeks gestation, and I have yet to wait for the precious contents to be expelled. It is a baby to me, not just a fetus. I have already emotionally bonded with this precious baby, so the grief is hard to bear... again. This is the 4th time I have felt this grief. I've already told my kids they were going to have another sibling. I thought we were out of the woods. All of my other miscarriages happened before 9 weeks. I don't know how I am going to tell them the news. I have told too many people. I wish they all read this blog, so I could just say it here and be done.

I went to a midwife to get checked. She couldn't find a heartbeat, and she was so very compassionate. I am so grateful. I asked her how much we owe her for the visit and she told me not to worry about it. This was the first time I had met her. What a kind person.

Today I must find a doctor to reconfirm with ultra sound what I already know. I guess I will tell my kids after this. For now, I am just going to keep myself busy and focus on living instead of falling apart. I do feel Heaven's help, comfort, and sweet love. What a blessing. All will be healed and I will come away feeling grateful for the experience.

An amazing speech

Because freedom is my passion, and is what I want to share with the world, I am sharing a link to an extraordinary speech on freedom that I read. If you have a moment, check this out. You will not regret doing so.

Liber Tea Luncheon #3

This month, each family chose a book from The Little House series. Our family chose Farmer Boy. (BTW, I know that book titles are suppose to be underlined, and I do not know how to do it on blogger, so I just look like I don't know proper grammar.) Every time I read Farmer Boy, I am reminded of how few skills I really have when it comes to being self sufficient. These people literally produced everything that they used in their families. I love how beautifully the processes were laid out from start to finish. For instance, the author describes the process of making their own clothing from shearing sheep all the way to the final article of clothing. Perhaps one of the most fascinating things to me that they did was cutting their own ice out of a frozen lake, and the process of storing it for summertime use. They knew the meaning of work.

Another thing that inspired me from this reading was how much value they placed on the few things that they had. The children were taught from an early age to take care of the things they had. They depended on these things. Even their play things and toys were lovingly cared for because they only had a few items that they absolutely loved. My children do not "love" their toys in this way. Is the problem that they have too many things, or that I have not modeled proper care of things, or something else. Perhaps a combination of many things.

We had our 3rd Princess Academy Liber Tea Luncheon this past Friday, hosted by the Claunch family. We again had a wonderful luncheon, valuable discussion, and we had what I would call "mini-factories of production." We learned the whole process of preserving vegetables the old fashioned way, without canning or freezing. We started with picking the vegetables, washing them, cutting them, and then starting the process of "lacto-fermentation." I am truly learning so much.

Oh, Freedom

One of my favorite authors of all time wrote a book called A Thomas Jefferson Education: Leadership Education for the 21st Century. His name is Oliver DeMille. I believe the principles that are taught in this book. I named my 4th child after this man. He was and is influential in so many of my paradigm shifts, because he teaches that we need to learn to think for ourselves. I am grateful daily for this awareness. The trends in society today have been such that we have allowed ourselves to blindly follow "experts" for lack of a better term. We do not trust ourselves. We make decisions for our homes and families based on what the latest experts say are right. What if the expert(s) is/are wrong? This would make it important for me to know how to think, particularly to ask the right questions.

True freedom requires education and accountability. Without these, we are slaves. The founding fathers understood this principle. What would have happened if they had not learned to question and think for themselves, and then use their knowledge to make decisions? We certainly would not have the freedoms we now enjoy.


Education is the tool whereby we come to an awareness of what our options are. The educational systems today focus on cramming information into your brain and then parroting back the information to get a good grade. The focus is on learning "what to think." There are no other options. You learn what the textbook says is the truth. This is not how the founding fathers got an education. They read the classics. They did not read some college professors version of the classics. They read several points of view and then were able to form their own opinions. As a result, we have a system of government "by the people" that has lasted longer than any other such government. We are still reaping the fruits, even without understanding the principles of freedom that they understood. This can not last. They understood that it could not last without a moral, educated people.

Accountability is the other prerequisite to freedom. After we have been presented with many options, we make an informed decision based on this knowledge. Then we must be accountable for that decision. Will we make mistakes? Yes. Is it easier to let someone else make the decisions for us? Maybe. Because we have someone else to blame when a mistake is made. Is it better to let someone else make decisions for us? An emphatic no! It is so amazing to live the law of the harvest which says you reap what you sew. Without personal accountability, there is no freedom. The consequences we face are not a result of exercising our freedom to choose, they are a result of someone else's choices. Without personal accountability, we are in effect, handing over our freedom to someone else. We are being acted upon, instead of acting.

So what has prompted my rantings and ravings? Actually it is the swine flu. I believe much of the panic surrounding this subject has been prompted by a whole lot of misinformation. Some questions that have come to my mind are: Is the swine flu that big of a deal? Is it worse than regular flu? Are the options that are coming forth to treat it safe? Can the government really come up with a "safe" immunization in less than a year? Are the risks of the immunization worth the benefits? and so many other questions that I have.

I believe the principles of knowledge and accountability can be applied any time an "expert" or "authority" recommends a course of action. I am not implying that there is no place for trained experts or that we shouldn't follow their recommendations. I am saying find out if that is the course you should take. Don't take my word for it.

I am a lover of freedom and desire to do everything in my power to see that freedom is not lost. Once it is lost, it is extremely difficult to gain it back. I am optimistic that the people will rise up again and do whatever it takes to preserve our freedom. I want to join with all the freedom lovers. I can and I will make a difference. I will study classics, and learn to think for myself a little more every day. As long as I and others are diligent, we will not accept less than freedom. We can do this. I invite you to join me on this journey.

More of our journey

Today, Elena and my sister Jennifer did some deep cleaning of our living room. The window was washed, piano keys thoroughly cleaned, baseboards scrubbed, and wall vents removed and cleaned. My sister did most of the work, but Elena helped and was very happy through the process. The best part was the conversation that went on between my sister and my daughter. She is learning so many great things from so many great people. What a wealth of education. I'm grateful to have family members to assist me with my girls and their hope chest journey.